A broken heart, a shattered goal. All that remains is the final blow. You know you’re in deep shit when your life seems to have been reduced to a mere existence; reduced to a routine that you follow every day. This year has been harsh on you. You lost your love, you lost your will, hell you even lost yourself. All you wanted was to be happy. To share a smile with someone; with someone who left you crying alone. You know you need to win, but how does one win against oneself. This fight seems to be a lost cause. From the looks of everything around you; from the look of the existence known as your life, it seems you’re destined to lose. Destined to not achieve your goal.
Destiny is playing a cruel game and you seem to be the preferred choice for the role of guinea pig. If sadness was an entity, then the lyrics from Alan Seeger’s rendezvous come to mind.
“It may be he shall take my hand
And lead me into his dark land
And close my eyes and quench my breath--
It may be I shall pass him still.”
Its new year’s today. A fresh start, a new resolution, may be even a new dream. So hold my hand, and stand by me. Look sadness in the eye and walk into to the light. To survive is to endure and prosper; take an oath to survive. I don’t believe in petty resolutions. Things that you forget after you recover from the hangover. I know you want to survive. As I sit by my bed to say grace, I wish that you do the same.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
Aim-less direction
We all have a routine that we daily adhere to. We get up, get ready and then head out to our job, school or just stay at home and repeat the routine of cleaning up the house etc. The same activities are done over and over again, just the content associated with the activity changes. A typical sentence in an SD’s (software developer) vocabulary is “I already fixed bug #X,Y,Z last week, this week there are bigger issues bug #A,B need to be addressed while a new bug – bug number #C has come up.” That’s all that we have become. Earlier our routine was a part of our lives, now our lives have become a part of our routine. We move your lives around to fit these pre-set “schedule”. Very few fight the paradigm anymore. Those who do are either revered as “mavericks” if they succeed or “losers” if they fail. Richard Fuld was hailed as a maverick when he brought Lehman brothers out of crisis, and now as the investment banking giant crumbles people question his judgment and his ability to lead.
As we grow, we kill our ability to learn. Lethargy and lack of self belief lead us to mindless and aimlessly follow the path ahead of us. With little or no idea behind what our objective is, we travel the path set to us by the bounds of society. Slowly we change. We accept that our existence is to traverse that path. We believe that the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is what we really want. (After all, most if not all paths that society has defined for us, have their goal set as money). We crush our dreams and then set these goals as our dreams instead. In a seminar held at my company, the speaker asked us “what is the one thing that you really want to do but just can’t time for?” Different people had different answers but one thing remained common, most of them knew that they really wouldn’t be pursuing that goal anytime soon. He asked us to, many agreed but I am sure if you ask them now, most of them would not have acted upon it.
I did. Thanks to a friend of mine – Miranda - I did. A month later I was jumping out of a plane and experiencing the thrill of a gravity free fall over 10,000 feet in the air. I owe that to her. Consider it whatever you want (lethargy, busy schedule) but I didn’t know where to begin and somehow I just wasn’t making enough efforts to find out. But she knew. She gave us the info and a month later Eric, Molly and me were jumping out of a plane.
I tend to question my existence a lot. Perhaps more than what is healthy. But now I stand at the juncture again where I want to know “where am I heading?” or slightly re-phrased “am I where I wanted to be?” Most people wouldn’t know the answer to that question, some will. I don’t. And again I don’t know where to start looking. All I know is that this time I don’t want to be lazy and let life dictate its terms. This time I want to stand up, take notice and decide what I want. I might make a wrong decision, I might make a mistake but this time I don’t want to let circumstances lead my life, I want to lead it. You can be scared of making a wrong decision and never take one, but to me no decision is wrong unless proven so. I know what will happen if my decision ends up being a wrong one – absolutely nothing. No one decision can dictate what happens to my life and what happens to me. Shit happens, but I am a fighter – I’ll always make it through.
As we grow, we kill our ability to learn. Lethargy and lack of self belief lead us to mindless and aimlessly follow the path ahead of us. With little or no idea behind what our objective is, we travel the path set to us by the bounds of society. Slowly we change. We accept that our existence is to traverse that path. We believe that the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is what we really want. (After all, most if not all paths that society has defined for us, have their goal set as money). We crush our dreams and then set these goals as our dreams instead. In a seminar held at my company, the speaker asked us “what is the one thing that you really want to do but just can’t time for?” Different people had different answers but one thing remained common, most of them knew that they really wouldn’t be pursuing that goal anytime soon. He asked us to, many agreed but I am sure if you ask them now, most of them would not have acted upon it.
I did. Thanks to a friend of mine – Miranda - I did. A month later I was jumping out of a plane and experiencing the thrill of a gravity free fall over 10,000 feet in the air. I owe that to her. Consider it whatever you want (lethargy, busy schedule) but I didn’t know where to begin and somehow I just wasn’t making enough efforts to find out. But she knew. She gave us the info and a month later Eric, Molly and me were jumping out of a plane.
I tend to question my existence a lot. Perhaps more than what is healthy. But now I stand at the juncture again where I want to know “where am I heading?” or slightly re-phrased “am I where I wanted to be?” Most people wouldn’t know the answer to that question, some will. I don’t. And again I don’t know where to start looking. All I know is that this time I don’t want to be lazy and let life dictate its terms. This time I want to stand up, take notice and decide what I want. I might make a wrong decision, I might make a mistake but this time I don’t want to let circumstances lead my life, I want to lead it. You can be scared of making a wrong decision and never take one, but to me no decision is wrong unless proven so. I know what will happen if my decision ends up being a wrong one – absolutely nothing. No one decision can dictate what happens to my life and what happens to me. Shit happens, but I am a fighter – I’ll always make it through.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Hmmm – the most useless word in the English dictionary
I really want to find and beat up the guy that added the word [/sound] hmmm to the English dictionary. It adds nothing to a conversation at the same time signifying nothing. It could mean the person is just trying to grasp what you say, but more often than not just means the other person has nothing to contribute to the current discussion and wants you to either change the topic [without the other person contribution to the change, lazy as he/she is] or end the conversation. Repeated usages have caused more conversation to be ruined than any other word in the English dictionary. I just hate that word.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Doesn’t work automatically
Through our lives we share a diverse set of relationships with even a more diverse set of individuals. Some based out of the roles that we play [son, daughter, brother, sister, colleague, classmate, husband, wife] and some because of who we are [friends, partners, lovers]. The later are relationships we choose, relationships that are not bound by constraints of society; relationships that work because we want them to work and fail the day we stop caring.
The sad part of life is that the second set of relationships are the most difficult to maintain. You can play the role of a perfect sibling without thinking twice, it comes naturally. But to play the role of a meaningful and caring friend requires you to question “Is the person worth it?” These questions get even tougher when the relationship involved is that of a partner. The person is evaluated on everything at every occasion. Till the relationship moves from the second set to the first, it just keeps demanding more and more effort. And all it takes is one mistake, one inconsiderate thought, one act of indiscretion and months and even years of good deeds seem so insignificant. It’s really sad to see something so beautiful be so fragile.
Sometimes it’s not a mistake. It’s just lack of communication. Whether it’s between friends or between partners, most relationships fall through simple because they don’t spend enough time being a part of the others life. Distances, lifestyles, new people, current priorities etc are just some of the things that can contribute towards the spiral of a relationship towards its eventual doom. Not spending enough time letting the other know “hey I care about you? I care about how you’re doing.” has been the biggest reasons for the best of relationships to drift apart. None of us have time, with our busy schedules it’s impossible for even think about fitting others in our lives, isn’t it. It’s not that hard, try it.
“Partner” is probably the most beautiful relationship amongst the lot. It’s most enchanting part being the fact that it belongs in the second set, the fact that we are in this not because we have to be, but because we want to be. There are couples who are partners first, and spouses later. According to me, that is the best way to be. Every day or every thought might not give you a reason to be together, but every breath taking moment and every cherished memory should. Just like the world keeps hurling reasons at individuals for them to fail, there is no shortage of reasons for relationships to fail in this world either. They take a lot of effort but therein lay the reason for their existence – “because they’re worth it”
That also has a counterpart. What happens when you ask yourself “Is the other person worth it?” and can’t seem to get a positive answer. Some relationships are not meant to be, it’s better to let them die. But what’s important is to judge correctly whether the relationship is worth fighting for. To judge beyond current circumstances [which are as interim as the life span of a gastrotich], beyond current distances. Each relationship is beautiful and special, and one should only be put to rest if it’s truly beyond restoration and beyond resurrection. But the day a relationship reaches there, it’s time to let it go.
The sad part of life is that the second set of relationships are the most difficult to maintain. You can play the role of a perfect sibling without thinking twice, it comes naturally. But to play the role of a meaningful and caring friend requires you to question “Is the person worth it?” These questions get even tougher when the relationship involved is that of a partner. The person is evaluated on everything at every occasion. Till the relationship moves from the second set to the first, it just keeps demanding more and more effort. And all it takes is one mistake, one inconsiderate thought, one act of indiscretion and months and even years of good deeds seem so insignificant. It’s really sad to see something so beautiful be so fragile.
Sometimes it’s not a mistake. It’s just lack of communication. Whether it’s between friends or between partners, most relationships fall through simple because they don’t spend enough time being a part of the others life. Distances, lifestyles, new people, current priorities etc are just some of the things that can contribute towards the spiral of a relationship towards its eventual doom. Not spending enough time letting the other know “hey I care about you? I care about how you’re doing.” has been the biggest reasons for the best of relationships to drift apart. None of us have time, with our busy schedules it’s impossible for even think about fitting others in our lives, isn’t it. It’s not that hard, try it.
“Partner” is probably the most beautiful relationship amongst the lot. It’s most enchanting part being the fact that it belongs in the second set, the fact that we are in this not because we have to be, but because we want to be. There are couples who are partners first, and spouses later. According to me, that is the best way to be. Every day or every thought might not give you a reason to be together, but every breath taking moment and every cherished memory should. Just like the world keeps hurling reasons at individuals for them to fail, there is no shortage of reasons for relationships to fail in this world either. They take a lot of effort but therein lay the reason for their existence – “because they’re worth it”
That also has a counterpart. What happens when you ask yourself “Is the other person worth it?” and can’t seem to get a positive answer. Some relationships are not meant to be, it’s better to let them die. But what’s important is to judge correctly whether the relationship is worth fighting for. To judge beyond current circumstances [which are as interim as the life span of a gastrotich], beyond current distances. Each relationship is beautiful and special, and one should only be put to rest if it’s truly beyond restoration and beyond resurrection. But the day a relationship reaches there, it’s time to let it go.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Life
“Life’s a bitch, learn to live with it”. This cliché has been passed through generations and drilled by society into our heads. And most male chauvinistic pigs define a bitch to be someone who has sex with everyone but them. Just like life seems to work out for everyone but us. Problems never seem to end, and just as we get through handling one set of them, life hurls another set at us. And as we see “the other guy” just sail through what seems to be a walk on a flower bed, we keep wondering why it has to be a bed of thorns for us.
Well, I like to believe in another cliché about life. “Life is a bitter sweet symphony”. Not sure if this is a cliché or the lyrics of some song that a rock star decided to share with us. In any case, in my eyes it’s the truth of life. Life can be as bitter or as sweet as you want it to be. It’s not like the other guy has an easier life than you do, look deeper; all of us are buried in our own shit. Shit that we keep dumping to make our life bitterer and more miserable than what it already is. Learn to live above it. Life will never stop. No one decision can do that, and no one event can do that. [Exception may include the decision of consuming poison, cyanide or walking in front of a train/bus hoping that it will move out of the way.] We grow with our experiences. We learn from them. The dictionary [well in today’s age I used answers.com] defines the word experience as “The apprehension of an object, thought, or emotion through the senses or mind”. The word itself signifies a growth in our understanding of a situation, of ourselves and those crazy forces that drive us to do what we do.
Don’t ever fear a choice or its consequent result. It’s just a choice. If I give you two random choices and ask you to choose A or B, and promise you that both are good choices, will you be able to choose either. You don’t even know what they are, or what result they will bring. Almost always we eliminate the bad choices at the start itself and what we’re left with are the choices amongst which no one answer is the correct answer. The act of procrastination of the choice may be the worst choice, but it’s still just one choice. You’ll never know what the result of any choice will be till you make that choice.
As far as results and consequences go, they seem to be the single most driving factor in our lives. “What will happen?” this might be the most frequently asked question to oneself. Why fear the consequence so much. It’s just one event in your life, it’s not the end all of your existence. Depending on its relevance, it may shape the direction your life takes for a few hours, days, weeks, months or even years but it’s not going to shape who you are. Where you go in life and who you are will not be dependent on one decision or one result. Remember to decide to keep yourself happy, it’s the single most important decision you can take in your life.
Well, I like to believe in another cliché about life. “Life is a bitter sweet symphony”. Not sure if this is a cliché or the lyrics of some song that a rock star decided to share with us. In any case, in my eyes it’s the truth of life. Life can be as bitter or as sweet as you want it to be. It’s not like the other guy has an easier life than you do, look deeper; all of us are buried in our own shit. Shit that we keep dumping to make our life bitterer and more miserable than what it already is. Learn to live above it. Life will never stop. No one decision can do that, and no one event can do that. [Exception may include the decision of consuming poison, cyanide or walking in front of a train/bus hoping that it will move out of the way.] We grow with our experiences. We learn from them. The dictionary [well in today’s age I used answers.com] defines the word experience as “The apprehension of an object, thought, or emotion through the senses or mind”. The word itself signifies a growth in our understanding of a situation, of ourselves and those crazy forces that drive us to do what we do.
Don’t ever fear a choice or its consequent result. It’s just a choice. If I give you two random choices and ask you to choose A or B, and promise you that both are good choices, will you be able to choose either. You don’t even know what they are, or what result they will bring. Almost always we eliminate the bad choices at the start itself and what we’re left with are the choices amongst which no one answer is the correct answer. The act of procrastination of the choice may be the worst choice, but it’s still just one choice. You’ll never know what the result of any choice will be till you make that choice.
As far as results and consequences go, they seem to be the single most driving factor in our lives. “What will happen?” this might be the most frequently asked question to oneself. Why fear the consequence so much. It’s just one event in your life, it’s not the end all of your existence. Depending on its relevance, it may shape the direction your life takes for a few hours, days, weeks, months or even years but it’s not going to shape who you are. Where you go in life and who you are will not be dependent on one decision or one result. Remember to decide to keep yourself happy, it’s the single most important decision you can take in your life.
Friday, January 25, 2008
No purpose in mind
Unlike my other articles, this has no purpose. It’s just the collection of some thoughts in my head. There was no reason why I thought about this or why I wrote it.
What does a person want? All of us have an ultimate calling that we search throughout our lives, and for most of us the search bears no fruit. The flow of our lives ends being dictated by the need to be a part of the rat race rather than being dictated by us. There are two breeds of “smart” people that are able to conclude their search. One consists of those who give up and accept the fate of an existence within the rat race, and the other of those who’re fortunate enough to find their “purpose” in life. The most unfortunate souls are those who realize that they want to find their calling but keep struggling with little or no success. Well for now, I fall into this category. If you fall into either of the first two categories then don’t read – this won’t make any sense to you.
There might be loads of situations where we are confused about a choice. There seem to be two paths, each with its pros and cons but each equally enticing. And more often than not the pros of a choice are the cons of the other. What makes us inclined towards both? After all we’re humans - supposedly the most intelligent species. Well according to me, it’s this intelligence that causes the dual wants. I could think of no better illustration of this than the movie “The Mask”. Don’t go “huh?” just yet. What the movie depicted was quite brilliant. It showcased the fact that our brain is intelligent enough to process two alter egos and that’s not a small feat. Stanley Ipkiss and the Mask was the same person [the superhuman abilities of mask put aside]. Our brain is able to process the same options from two different perspectives. You might even from the perspective of two different individuals. Individuals with different wants, different goals and different approaches to this journey called life.
Personally, I have chosen to accept this duality of life with an alter ego approach. I call him Maverick. Harsh is the nice guy who appreciates all the people existing in his life, fights in the rat race hoping to win it someday, and makes sure that he has a smile on his face when he greets the people around him [professional/social commitments after all] no matter how crappy he may be feeling. Maverick on the other hand appreciates his friends and family only, knows he’s capable of moving above the rat race and conquer his dreams, and isn’t two faced with what he feels. The only thing probably common in them is the love for my family. It’s not like they have different goals in mind, after all their eventual goal is my happiness. Their approach is what differentiates them. They each define different paths and different sets of intermediate goals to their eventual aim.
Well therein lays the fact that makes the third category of people the unfortunate souls they become. Unfortunate not becomes they are miserable/unhappy/dying for attention, but unfortunate because their confused. And this confusion is the biggest deterrent to them achieving either of their goals. The contradictory wants end up diminishing the success possible on either of the paths. You never truly take a path because you’re unsure and English has enough axioms that prove that success is not possible if you’re on contradictory paths.
Unlike my other articles, there are no suggestions or solutions for this. I am myself caught up in the struggle to understand myself.
What does a person want? All of us have an ultimate calling that we search throughout our lives, and for most of us the search bears no fruit. The flow of our lives ends being dictated by the need to be a part of the rat race rather than being dictated by us. There are two breeds of “smart” people that are able to conclude their search. One consists of those who give up and accept the fate of an existence within the rat race, and the other of those who’re fortunate enough to find their “purpose” in life. The most unfortunate souls are those who realize that they want to find their calling but keep struggling with little or no success. Well for now, I fall into this category. If you fall into either of the first two categories then don’t read – this won’t make any sense to you.
There might be loads of situations where we are confused about a choice. There seem to be two paths, each with its pros and cons but each equally enticing. And more often than not the pros of a choice are the cons of the other. What makes us inclined towards both? After all we’re humans - supposedly the most intelligent species. Well according to me, it’s this intelligence that causes the dual wants. I could think of no better illustration of this than the movie “The Mask”. Don’t go “huh?” just yet. What the movie depicted was quite brilliant. It showcased the fact that our brain is intelligent enough to process two alter egos and that’s not a small feat. Stanley Ipkiss and the Mask was the same person [the superhuman abilities of mask put aside]. Our brain is able to process the same options from two different perspectives. You might even from the perspective of two different individuals. Individuals with different wants, different goals and different approaches to this journey called life.
Personally, I have chosen to accept this duality of life with an alter ego approach. I call him Maverick. Harsh is the nice guy who appreciates all the people existing in his life, fights in the rat race hoping to win it someday, and makes sure that he has a smile on his face when he greets the people around him [professional/social commitments after all] no matter how crappy he may be feeling. Maverick on the other hand appreciates his friends and family only, knows he’s capable of moving above the rat race and conquer his dreams, and isn’t two faced with what he feels. The only thing probably common in them is the love for my family. It’s not like they have different goals in mind, after all their eventual goal is my happiness. Their approach is what differentiates them. They each define different paths and different sets of intermediate goals to their eventual aim.
Well therein lays the fact that makes the third category of people the unfortunate souls they become. Unfortunate not becomes they are miserable/unhappy/dying for attention, but unfortunate because their confused. And this confusion is the biggest deterrent to them achieving either of their goals. The contradictory wants end up diminishing the success possible on either of the paths. You never truly take a path because you’re unsure and English has enough axioms that prove that success is not possible if you’re on contradictory paths.
Unlike my other articles, there are no suggestions or solutions for this. I am myself caught up in the struggle to understand myself.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
As I close my eyes today
As I close my eyes today,
All I think about is you,
When I turn myself around,
All I feel around is you
Life takes us full circle,
It just goes round and round,
Misery eats us away,
Like a blood thirsty hound
The memories you gave,
Are the reasons behind my smile,
As I close my eyes today,
All I think about is you
I lost a hundred chances,
May ask for a thousand more,
But I’ll always be there,
With an open heart’s door
The touch of your kiss,
A feeling so sublime,
Your dreams are mine to hold,
Till the end of time
As I close my eyes today,
I promise I’ll be there,
There through every life’s hurt,
Your pain is mine to heal.
All I think about is you,
When I turn myself around,
All I feel around is you
Life takes us full circle,
It just goes round and round,
Misery eats us away,
Like a blood thirsty hound
The memories you gave,
Are the reasons behind my smile,
As I close my eyes today,
All I think about is you
I lost a hundred chances,
May ask for a thousand more,
But I’ll always be there,
With an open heart’s door
The touch of your kiss,
A feeling so sublime,
Your dreams are mine to hold,
Till the end of time
As I close my eyes today,
I promise I’ll be there,
There through every life’s hurt,
Your pain is mine to heal.
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